Thursday, November 5, 2009

Day Eighty-One

Aw geez, my "dream list".  Well, I've been putting myself out there for about twelve weeks now.  No reason to get modest or shy now....

The dream list was a blank page in my BFL journal that said to write down all hopes, wishes, and dreams that I would like to see come true as a result of completing the twelve weeks of BFL.  Here is what I wrote down:

To be able to move.

Seriously, it was getting to the point that bending over, getting up from kneeling, and even twisting from the waist was getting a little taxing.  Things that I should have been able to do without thinking about were causing me to mutter to myself, and notice how my body was preventing me from simple movements.  I am much more able to move now, and I don't have to think hardly at all about my body's ability to move or what spare tire(s) are in the way that is impeding movement.  I'm not where I want to be (yet), but it is much improved.

To feel comfortable in my own skin.

My mind had an unending diatribe, aimed at myself.  I could barely stand to be seen eating in public, God forbid it would be something like chocolate or a cracker or something that didn't scream "healthy".  And all I ever ate was garbage.  Crossing the street, I lived in fear of some college kid or some smart ass screaming a sizist obscenity at me.  I remember when I was pregnant and had gotten fast food and was getting out of my car with the bag of food, and a clutch of french fries in my other hand.  A car had driven by and a male voice had screamed at me:  "DIET, HONEY!"  That was almost three years ago, and I still remember how I cringed.  I was terrified someone would say something along the lines of "move it, fat ass" next time.

To have control over what and how I eat.

This is still tricky for me.  I do some revenge or emotional eating still.  Sort of like eating the rat poison and waiting for the other person to die.  Or eating for comfort, rather than to stay fit and alive.   I am realizing when I do it, though, and I firmly believe that awareness is the first step in making progress over an issue.  So this one is still very current for me.

To look good naked.

(blushing).  Yeah...well...YEAH.  Don't you want to look good naked?  Seriously, is there someone out there who wants to look like a Beluga whale standing on its hind fins?  I'm just sayin'.

To feel good about myself.

This is one of the best rewards about Body-for-LIFE.  Taking the action, and trying over and over, and making sure I'm also taking care of my needs as well as those in my family, has led to me realizing I have value as a person.  That I am worth taking the time to care for myself.  In turn, I realize I had held on to some old ideas about myself that simply were not true.  I always thought that, on some level, I was pretty dim and had silly ideas about what was important in life.  Not true, I realize now.  I am smart, I am educated, and my values are good values.  Those old ideas no longer have any weight for me, and that has been a big blessing.

To know I am doing something good for myself.

Yes, definitely.

To be able to play with Andrew, run around, cavort.

I play on the playground equipment right along with my kid and his friends.  We have been much more physically active, especially lately, and that kid is wearing me out just as much as I'm wearing him out.  It used to be just him wearing me out, but not so anymore.  This wish makes me happy.

To not have to worry about weight, body.

 Well, I think I'm more mindful, not necessarily worrisome, anymore.  Before there was just an endless loop of thinking about things without doing anything about it. Now that I am taking action, I am not really worried anymore.  It will take time to get to the body I want, but I am making progress, even on bad days. 

To feel better about not having huge chances for cancer, diabetes, heart problems, etc.

I remember my second day on BFL, when I had a fleeting moment of worry over having a stroke while working out.  I never fear that my body is going to have a critical medical issue.  I am putting good fuel into my body (mostly) and I am working my body to make it strong and elastic (mostly).  That's all I can do about.  The rest is up to genetics, fate, and chance.  And I don't have to sweat that today.

See you tomorrow. :)

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